Happy New Year! I started the new year in a radical, grace-filled way. God had put it on my heart since August to do a silent retreat, so when the opportunity was given to do an 8 day silent retreat, I signed up. Was I completely confident that I could do it? Absolutely not! How does one be quiet for 8 days straight, by themselves…with just God. Was I nervous? Absolutely! Yet there was something calling me to do it, and I knew God was calling me deeper into his heart.
The first couple of days was about quieting my heart. I didn’t realize how much noise I had in my life until I was there in utter silence. It was uncomfortable at first…I felt awkward…but I dove into the meditations I was given to do through out the day. On the third day He began to really talk to me, and as I dove into the scripture meditations, the prayer time, spiritual reading and journaling, God began to peel away layers of walls that I had built up around my heart that I didn’t even know was there. He was opening me up to hear His voice in a way I haven’t heard it before. It helped me to understand that I am intimately His.
I used to think that God talked in a big booming voice, letting people know his wrath…now I know He speaks in a gentle whisper, letting me know how much I am loved, how much I am forgiven, and how beloved I am…even when I am not worthy of receiving those gifts. Those are the times He pours them out the most, when I deserve it the least. His voice is healing, comforting, and unwavering.
I used to think that I knew what holiness was, but I don’t. I have definitely had glimpses of it from people in my life, but I feel like up to this point I have done holy things, but had not been called so deeply in relationship with Christ that I honestly would say “I would die for Him”. Now there isn’t a shadow of a doubt, I would die proclaiming His name from the rooftop. I feel like I know Him that intimately…I have that much confidence in the message of Love He proclaims. And the coolest thing is it is available for all. My heart burns for others to know this in their lives!
How do you sum up one of the most blessed weeks of my life. Radical Love! By the end I was so at home in the silence it was hard to readjust. It was hard to begin to carry out the call to deeper holiness and love that He is asking me to live out. I have fallen a lot in the 3 days of talking that I have had since the retreat has ended, but in the midst of those falls, I have run to Him, and asked to help me stand back up and try again. I feel like a toddler trying to walk…hopefully eventually I will be able to take some steps! Until then, I will keep practicing with patient confidence in the Lord.
God Bless!
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2 comments:
Eight day silent retreat...what a blessing AND significant challenge!
I can certainly understand how initially the slience would be difficult...we are so polluted with all kinds of noises and distractions.
Its lovely how the eight days unfolded for you!
First of all I hope that God is continuing to pour His sweet nectar of joy and abiding peace into your life! You have been in my prayers!
Second thank you so much for you love and prayers during the YM retreat. It was comforting to know that you were an open ear who had been through those first year struggles and could pray to God with the effectiveness and wisdom of a battle-scarred YM.
Third you are awesome and I can tell you do wonderful ministry. God bless you and Mary keep you. And St. Joseph pray for you.
I love you very much and if you ever need anything (esp. prayer) please gift me with that so that I can lift you up to our everlastingly gracious Father as a true sister would willingly do.
P.S. the word verification is 'blescu' so I'm taking that to mean that God is 'blessing you' or you're sneezing (or about to) and it's just another one of His joke moments.
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